well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
