Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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