My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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