Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
