Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You were trust falling into bushes
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize