I met the friendliest cop last night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
