you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
