my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Houston, we have a squirter
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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