Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
