end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
