I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
