I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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