why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
