Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize