I need to stop coming to work sober
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
there is glitter all over my balls
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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