Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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