Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize