He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
