According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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