at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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