i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
