I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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