Pregnant stripper...not hot.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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