I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
