I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
