i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
