i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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