Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
