My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
