one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
