I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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