Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize