I want to make a zoo with you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
