Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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