I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
