Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
