So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
