it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
