got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
