Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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