I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
