fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
