If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
