Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
