my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
