and you said cock pushups were impossible
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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