new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
