While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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