So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
