you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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