I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
