They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
