TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
