either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
